The weather this week has reminded me that there is life beyond the grey. After a long season of Vancouver dreary drab drizzle, the sun shone warm! Temperatures soared to 20, birds called us out of our beds with their sweet songs and flowers popped up with welcome colours. I didn’t realize my heart had been so heavy before taking a deep breath of sweet spring air and feeling truly happy.
When life gets hard it’s easy to enter survival mode and preach to myself the inevitable burden of it all. “Keep your head down and make it till bedtime” became my mantra. So many other parents were saying the same thing it felt normal like a rite of passage.
Older parents would smile and say “it goes by so fast! Enjoy every minute!” But that only made the burden feel heavier and the shame more profound. But I kept silent and kept going cause what else could I do? The demands remained even after a break.
This is all leading somewhere… remember my joy in the sunny day? Before that though I had to reach my bottom which happens last week. Curled up on my couch in a fetal position with nausea pain while parents whispered to Forest that maybe we should go to ER. A flu had hit us hard. At first Forest and I tried taking turns caring for the kids but that only wore us down further from any chance of recovery. So we called in the parent troops. My sweet Mom, the only person I know who would come and spend a night in a flu infested home, hugging her child and grandkids with peace in her eyes.
My sister took me to ER and there the tears began to flow. The relief of someone taking care of me and my kids and the realization of my utter exhaustion and frustration that my husband and I are not superheroes but human. The shattering of my childhood dream of having lots of kids when two takes every ounce of strength and then some.
Into this gap my sweet family stood. My parents and Forest wrangled the kids while my sister and I caught up on sleep, watched the Oscars and had hard conversations in a hotel room. I felt like a little girl again delighting together in the costumes and songs of Hollywood while at the same time wrestling with how to be an adult.. a healthy one?
Hiring some house cleaning help is a start, planning an early summer weekend away with friends, connecting with a counsellor and my doctor again, sleeping in sometimes and trusting that Forest will be okay. On a deeper level realizing that I don’t have to be enough. I know it is popular to say “I am enough”, “I believe in myself” etc… and I know the heart behind it of self love and dignity but those statements make me feel so lonely. I can’t live this life on my own and that’s okay. I can’t be my kid’s North Star and all that they need. Sometimes they gotta scream “Mama” and find comfort in someone else who loves them and know that Mama will come back stronger and better able to care.
I realize I need people to ask how I am doing, really and keep asking after I have given all my brave speeches. And I need to know that the way God takes care of me is sometimes different from what I expect. Instant healing through prayer? That would be great. Vanquishing the virus so that my sweet parents don’t catch it and I’m not still coughing and peeing my pants (still working on that post partum pelvic floor). That would be divine. But God knows me better than that. He knows how to meet when I’m alone and scared. He knows how to strengthen me when Forest and I are both exhausted and in tears and can’t rescue each other. The song Even if You Don’t has become an anthem for me. In the weary and disappointing He knows the joy that will come to my heart with Spring. Gradually getting back on my feet and chowing down on 40 chicken nuggets with my sister and our families on a spontaneous playdate as the sun sets over the playground.
Yesterday, I crept up to the shower while my kids had a dance party with our housemate on the patio. Sweet moments as gifts.
It’s spring break and last night I was scouring the internet for family fun activities. I was looking for the profound and Forest suggested the simple. “Let’s go to Lougjeed mall. They have a playground there.” Elaina loved it. Joseph preferred climbing the stairs with his dad and checking out the food court. We had Thai, Singaporean and A&W fare for dinner and felt like the richest people in the world.
Tonight while doing dishes I listened to some spoken word poetry and this video was especially encouraging. My sense of Spring joy doesn’t come from trying harder but rather by accepting the generous love and beauty that is offered to me. Jesus, people who care. They help me love myself in the way that I need. They remind me of the strengths I overlook and help me deal with the weaknesses I want to despair over and hide from. In a dark moment of the night when I was alone and scared I made a decision. I want to live in courage and truth. I don’t want to hide behind a filter and pretend that everything is okay or that I enjoy every moment of my life. And I want to acknowledge that not all is lost either. There are beautiful moments in the mundane. There is strength that is found in brokenness. And it’s hard to know how to express this… I found within me there doesn’t have to be a secular/religious divide. I can delight in Academy awards and cry out Psalms in the night and feel God’s presence in both. He is bigger than the box I try to put Him in and Life is fuller, more complicated, nuanced, beautiful and hard than I could have imagined.
Happy Spring everyone. 😊
Song Flower 